GENRE: Romantic Comedy
ROARS: 4 Out of 5
Rated: PG / Run Time: 1 Hr. 30 Min.
CAST: Amanda Seyfried, Vanessa Redgrave, Gael Garcia Bernal, Franco Nero, Chris Egan
DIRECTOR: Gary Winick
For starters, allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Lee, and I’m reaching out to you from Queens, NYC, and while I’m at it, I’d like to say I hope this note finds you well. I’m pretty sure as you keep receiving letters from all these whiny hopeless romantics about their lives, and love, and how they’re seeking special attention under selfish pretenses, without one mention of well wishes towards you, or Romeo, I actually do care about others’ well-being. With that said, you see — the male species can be thoughtful. And now that I got all the diplomatic bullshit out of the way, I think it’s time I cut to the chase.
So I screened your movie last night. Well, I don’t know if it’s “your movie,” but it’s definitely inspired by you, and that long drawn out metaphor, and history between you, and Romeo. Too much avail, I will say your story is pretty intriguing, and opens Pandora’s Box – whatever that is – when displaying life’s complexities and darkness when opposites who attract aren’t allowed to be with one another due to ignorance from other angles. However; you two tards defied the odds, you’re together now, and for that that I commend you.
(Fart) Sigh: That felt good…
I know you’re wondering why an oddity like me is writing you. Well, no, it has nothing to do with advice, or anything remotely near romance. I just wanted to tell you that even though – like every RomCom – your film’s predictable, it was well written, paced, creative, and a lot more enticing than that stomach-virus I screened back in February titled “Valentine’s Day.” Within 25 minutes into the film I was able to tell how it was going to end. Pretty much like they all do, and seeing as I don’t sugarcoat anything, they all wind up with their man. I would have preferred to see my Latino brotha (Gael Bernal Garcia) wind up with the girl, but no, I guess prior to Arizona’s law going into affect, it was leaked, and so far up the writer’s ass, even in fictional pieces my people need to take a back-seat to snobby British actors. Whatever! *Two Finger Snaps* It would have been nice to have seen more of Oliver Platt, the montage of “Sono Lorenzo Bartolini“ was a bit of overkill, and could have been edited, and although very CUTE, I also wonder why Amanda Seyfriend’s eyes are so big? They resemble those of Alien-like men we’re accustomed to seeing on “X-Files.”
Before I forget, I’d also like to say good move on allowing the film to rehash your balcony scene. Great marketing ploy for those who are drawn to romance… The act had most of the audience – women mainly – “Ohoo’ing,” “Aww’ing,” and saying “OH MY GOD, that’s so romantic.” Great plug to enforce the thoughts of all these women who I’m sure ran home to their husbands, and boyfriends, and start forcing moves like that. It was full of fluff, mush, and gooey orgasmic substance, I felt as if I was losing my masculinity during the screening. So much, I started to analyze differences when walking in as “Prinz Lee,” and felt like I was walking out as “Lady Ga-Ga.”
Sitting next to me was this cutie who kept laughing whenever I’d sigh. It was nice to know I was able to trigger a cheerful feeling, because I thought I had her when those “sad” moments would pop up in hopes she’d seek my shoulders to cry on. But no, it didn’t happen. She found her Kleenex to be a lot more understanding, and sensitive than me. Can you believe that? I lost out to pieces of tissues? FUCK! I’m such a loser!
Overall, it was an interesting night which kept reminding me why I need to stay away from these RomComs. I SO wanted to screen “Nightmare On Elm Street” instead, but couldn’t get it, so I felt… why not? Free movie… Oh well, while writing this letter I still feel l need to corrupt my “effeminate side,” and by doing that I’m digging into my comics to prep for “Iron Man 2,” and then go through pictures of all my HOT female friends and wonder what it would feel like to share sweat as we engage in some of the most intense, wild, brutal, painful, and vile animalistic sex anyone could ever fantasize about.
All the best!
“Prinz” Lee Romero
PS: Sometimes having a visual of something or someone always helps enhance any form of communication. Therefore, I’ve enclosed a picture of myself. What do you think?
Dearest Lee or Prinz:
I’d like thank you very much for having taken the time and written me. It has been a long while since I’ve ever received anything from anyone. Yes, there was a time when many of my species would write me, and it was a bit of a drag. They can be nags, and selfish, but something men like yourself have to understand is that we’re emotional creatures. Our DNA is encoded to act, and think a certain way, to a certain degree it’s part of our way to survive in this oppressive world. If more of your kind would just TRY to understand that, than perhaps there wouldn’t be so many disagreements within a relationship. But, to each his or her own, and we tend to learn as we move along.
I can’t lay the blame on all of your kind, but for the most part we think differently, and because of these uneven formations is why we tend to connect to each other… sort of like pieces to a puzzle… think about it.
But anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I’d like to also thank you for having screened “Letters to Juliet.” Or me for that matter… [Hint-Hint] it was presented as best as we could, and in reference to your “boy” Garcia… I recall writers Jose Rivera, and Tim Sullivan having that same discussion. There was some major noise over this as Jose wanted Garcia to play the opposite role, however; in the end Tim seemed to have had a bit more pull – No Pun – and therefore had a bit more power over making sure Christopher Egan would wind up triumphant with Amanda Seyfried. (By the way, Christopher is not British, actually he’s Australian, you ass, and played a British role in this film)
The scenes with all the actors saying they’re “Lorenzo Bartolini” was there for comedic affect… granted, I agree it was used way too much, and made the film about 20 minutes too long, but in the end, your thoughts or feelings are irrelevant. Part of your job IS in-fact to expose what’s presented, and your feelings, but truth is, no one makes films with your imbecilic ass in mind. Just like we do… shut up, and TAKE IT! The same would go for Amanda Seyfried’s eyes. They’re not big… they’re just distracting because they’re SO GORGEOUS, and their glowing essence of hypnotic powers are so potent, they tend to fuck with one’s mind, and actually leads someone – like yourself – to think idiotic thoughts. She doesn’t look like an Alien. Well, to be honest, if you want to go there… YOU do! Look at that picture of yours! What’s with the receding hairline? I bet you’re balding right? And that stupid stance. Where you on LSD when you “posed” for that picture? Typical tourist… happy when visiting an overrated city… Pretty much like the one you live in. So when it comes to Aliens, and cities… how do you like them apples?
Oliver Platt was a lucky pull considering he’s a busy actor, and even as a simple cameo, he tends to bring forth an amazing appeal to the screen, and film, and less IS more. You’re a believer in that kind of mindset, right? I’m surprised you couldn’t feel that way. What is, is, and I have to be very thankful for your thoughts on our piece being well paced, and written, Yes, I agree it’s A LOT better, and creative than that yeast infection titled “Valentine’s Day,” I mean what movie isn’t? Really? But again, no one makes films with YOU in mind.
I’m sorry romance tends to bring the bitch out of you. I guess you’re the type that just melts when you have it in for a woman. I know many “macho men” like that. You’re all big, and tough, and loud, and brave… the second a pussy traps, and hypnotizes you, you’re all the same. Little clueless cubs who need guidance, and nurturing because there’s a side of life within you where you’re all pretty much retarded on, and have no fucking clue as to how to handle it when you’re struck by a real woman. Well, as I mentioned before, it’s all about living life a day at a time, and that’s how we learn.
Things have to be really crazy if someone’s best option is turning to tissues rather than a living breathing human. But in the scheme of things, I’m happy she did that. Yes, you’re pretty much a loser, and I’m glad gestures of subtly said it to your face. Bravo on my part upon her. I also want to say too bad you couldn’t screen “Nightmare On Elm Street.” It’s a movie I’d like to see, but I need my baby. I just can’t do it alone. All that blood and guts… Ewww… no way!
I hope your masculinity is starting to arise again. I mean I know how sensitive love stories can be, and how they can either bore a man to death, or make them question their manhood. Men have feelings too you know… well, at least those who know what it’s about. Assholes like you can read up on all the comic books you want, and “prep” for “Iron Man 2,” in the end it will not enhance you in any way shape or form. You can also keep going through pictures of all your female friends, and fantasize all you want. I’m glad NONE of them are giving you any. You don’t deserve it you prick!
Last but not least… the balcony scene at the end was my idea. They didn’t even bring it up. I felt it would pay homage to my man, and me. It’s an extremely powerful display of love power, and should be brought up every once in a while in films geared towards romance. Pretty cool, ey?
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my letter. I have to go now. My boy and I are getting ready for some love-making. I really appreciate your outreach, having screened “Letters to Juliet,” and if possible, spread the word about its opening Friday, May 14th.
I wish you wrong, and failure with any of your future endeavors, and may you suffer from severe testicle pain at some point in your life.
PS: What kind of name is “Prinz?” UGH! You’re the tard, not us. You make me sick!