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With all due respect to my gay readers – if I have any – but this had to be the gayest of all three “Twilight” films… seriously, unless you’re an enthusiast taken by the art of love and all that it entails, than by all means my friends, this is the film for you. From the first act on and beyond the main focus here is “Bella” and her indecisive self when juggling those two cock-knocks who I wonder what the hell is it they see in that bi-polar freak of nature. She’s pretty much tangled them in a web of her whiny ways and able to control each of them just by that stupid empty stare she’s been providing everyone – from cast to franchise freaks – since the beginning of the series. The love is so deep in the third installment, it drove much of “Edward” and “Jacob” to form a bond and raise whatever stakes there were in order to protect her. How retarded is that? If anything, they should be ripping each other’s throats out. I’m so glad this is a film and nothing in form of true life. I’m sure there are suckers out there pretty much experiencing the same kind of disillusioned lifestyle sucked in by a person who’s really not worth it – male or female – but for some reason it’s human-nature to go off on bumpy roads, fall, scrap up and continue for the sake of ones’ love. This time around, that even includes trying to fend off a boat-load of newly created vampires known as “The New Borns.”

“There’s a sucker born every minute.” – P.T. Barnum

Picking off from wherever the fuck “New Moon” left off, the disturbing pretty soon threesome-to-be mongoloids venture out on a pace which mirrors paint drying. While continuing their disagreements towards one another and trying to lay out why so-and-so is better for “Bella,” there’s a brood of new bad-ass vampires reaching the level of relentlessness and forced to prep for a major battle at the cost and manipulation of the worst of all badass vampires known as “Victoria.” Of course it pertains towards revenge from what happened back in the first film when “Edward” killed her lover (I believe named “James”), the main focus here without any cause of regrets is to make sure she – Victoria – gets back at “Edward” in the worst way ever which would be aiming her sights on what he loves most – “Bella.”

”I’m not really sure how I feel about you, Edward, but I think I love you.” – Bella

While most of the film pertains to those one-on-one moments with “Edward” and “Bells” in bed, laying on grass while reading poems, or in a car talking about their feelings or even when he proposes, there’s a pretty strange brood which is starting to work their way up and cryptic scene after cryptic scene, one can just predict there’s going to be a big blow off at some point. Of course while this is brewing, one of the girls in Edward’s crew – I can’t remember her name and who cares – is triggered by a sense of evil about to approach. With much of this disturbing thought in mind, she shares it and then this other vampire guy – whose name I can’t remember either and who cares – winds up prepping everyone for what will be the biggest battle ever. At the cost of whom…? You guessed it – Ms. Perfect. This creates many complexities of impulses when fighting the good fight and leads to “Jacob” and his Wolf-pack joining forces with “Edward” and his crew of cold-souls. With much distrust over one another, they put their differences aside, venture out on an act of severe training until that final moment when “The New Borns” arrive and raise cane by fighting in the most vicious way one can imagine. This here is where I started to pick up on interest. It’s not only because it was something masculine for a change, but the special F/X when there’s wolves jumping on vampires and vice versa and a ton of bones breaking and howls and yelps and blood all over the place – NOW THAT’S WHAT A VAMPIRE vs. WOLVES film should be about. Of course it’s not about them – well, sort of – but you get my drift.

Make up your mind, bitch!

There’s a lot of in betweens which fill in a lot of the links which lead from one to the next, but I’d be giving away too much and I know some of you would start crying and possibly cursing me out for having opened my mouth – or in this case – having diarrhea of the fingers.

I can’t say the entire movie sucked, because there are some scenes that were pretty interesting and unique. One that stood out the most is when Edward and Jacob go on a verbal one-on-one and pretty much snap each other out due to whom…? Well, Ms. Perfect. The come backs were awesome and I think my Native American boy Jacob out-snapped Edward as all of his come backs pretty much paled even more than as pale as Edward is. Edward’s complexion and snaps paled so much it’s more like instead of being white, he basically turned transparent.

Some of the other fun scenes (and would have liked to have seen more of) were those which presented the group of leader vampires spear-headed by Dakota Fanning. I forget their names also, but they seem to pretty much have a grip on everyone’s balls – metaphorically speaking of course – and shit was that nice! All that respect and fear among four beings with so much power that just by looking at someone they can pretty much manipulate physical feelings (you’ll see what I’m talking about) is amazing… That’s power, kid. I’m more into the bad-asses and what they’re capable of rather than the sweet ones’ who don’t even hurt a fly. Bullshit! If you’re a goddamn vampire and you’ve got the means and power to do what you want, fuck it, just do it! I know I would.

The New Borns

If there’s something that stood out of all the mish-mash of love and fights and intimidation among all those enrolled in this story I have to say would be the writing. It’s pretty clever. I’m not a hardcore fan of this franchise, but I tend to enjoy bits-and-pieces from it and I’ve realized it’s because of the way the wording is presented. Great dialog which make women drip and men feel gay – unless they’re fighting – and also has a great way of taking us along whether this film’s up your alley or not. I’ve met many people who enjoy this, but too afraid to say it and much to its credit I believe it’s because of how we can relate to a lot of drama. Presented in fictional form, but we’ve all been Jacob or Edward or Bella or those that surround them taking part in a life-style of human complexities. So I credit not only the author of the novels – Stephanie Meyers – but the screenwriter – Melissa Rosenberg – for tapping into those emotions. Another plus this time around is the cast includes some of us (Latinos) such as Christian Serratos, Alex Meraz and Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace, Che) also stars as the vampire “Maria.”

Overall, “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” is a force that will be felt at the box-office this weekend. Starting tomorrow and heading towards a long weekend, here’s a nine figure hit to last probably until the end of the summer. I’m sure this will be embraced and perhaps sought upon as one of the most anticipated films of the year and it might very well be, however, I personally feel of all three the second one was better. The challenges were a lot more emotional and pushed all the characters to act! This one’s a Johnny-one-note all 2 hours plus with some leaps here and there and for that reason I once again reiterate that unless you’re the enthusiast type when it comes to this franchise, fine. If not, wait for it on DVD, but that’s pretty hard as I’m sure your girlfriends will drag you out for lesson three on how to up your romantic approach.

Grade: C
Genre: Fantasy/Romance Thriller
Roars: 3.25 Out of 5

Rated: PG-13 / Run Time: 2 Hrs. 2 Min.

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

Director: David Slade